Campbell Interview: E. Lily Yu
This interview has been removed at the author’s request. You can learn more about E. Lily Yu on her website.
Posts by Jim Hines:
Fundraiser Results
My thanks to everyone who participated in the Rape Crisis Center Fundraiser. We raised a total of $3573, more than double what we raised last year. That’s wonderful and amazing. Thank you so much!!!
Thanks also to everyone who donated prizes. I’m in the process of drawing names and contacting winners, and will be working with the donors to arrange delivery of said prizes as quickly as I can.
And I spent all of last night finishing up page proofs for Libriomancer, so that’s all I’ve got for today…
Campbell Interview: Mur Lafferty
Welcome to the second of my interviews with this year’s finalists for the John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer. You can read them all by clicking the Campbell Award tag. For now, meet Mur Lafferty: author, podcaster, and owner of a very cool hat.
1) In exactly 25 words, who is Mur Lafferty?
A carbon-based life form, podcaster, editor, and writer (obviously). I like martial arts, gin, and dogs. Contrary to popular belief, I do own dresses.
2) Tell us about the kind of fiction you write, and where we can find some of it.
All of my fiction can be found linked at Murverse.com – I wrote superhero satire (Playing For Keeps, Swarm, 2008), afterlife adventures – aka Bangsian Fantasy – (The Afterlife Series), lunar gladiatorial adventures (Marco and the Red Granny, Hub, 2010), and zombie audio dramas (The Takeover). I also write for scripts for others (The Leviathan Chronicles, audio, and Nanovor, animation scripts), have a history of writing for role-playing games, and have a love of writing Christmas short stories. I have a book (title TBA) coming out in 2013 from Orbit concerning a woman working on a travel book for monsters.
ETA: Shortly after this interview went live, Mur announced that she would be giving her fiction away for free for the next two months. Details are here.
3) What has been the best moment of your writing career thus far? (And if you’re comfortable sharing, what was the worst?)
Gosh. One best moment? Campbell nomination? The phone call from Orbit? Those two tie, I think.
Worst moment was coming to terms that my afterlife series, which is by far my listeners’ favorite of my work, would not find a home with a publisher, and I’d have to be content with it living in audio and epub.
4) If you had to incorporate that wonderful red hat into a superhero costume, what would your superhero name and powers be?
OMEGA MUR – a mild-mannered woman who, upon imbibing caffeine, loses all fear and gains super strength and rage. A child of Daredevil and the Hulk, if those two wacky kids would ever get together.
5) As a writer, where would you like to be in ten years?
One thing I’ve discovered is a love of writing for many different media. I’d love to be writing books, but also scripts for web series, and still putting out original, episodic podcast fiction. Of course, being a best-seller, Hugo-winner, and “making enough money to live off of” are nice goals too.
6) You run or work with several different podcasting sites (Escape Pod, I Should Be Writing, Princess Scientist’s Book Club, and the Angry Robot Books Podcast), and have podcast at least one of your novels as well. What is it that draws you to podcasting?
I was drawn to podcasting in the beginning, 2004, when it was a new medium – that excited me. I wanted to play with all the new ways of storytelling. I didn’t need NPR to publish essays, I didn’t need the BBC or a US radio station to do an audio drama, and I didn’t need a publisher to make an audiobook. I was able to build an audience for my work well before I got a book deal. Podcasting has been instrumental for building my career, when I never expected it to.
7) For anyone who might want to get into podcasting, what resources would you recommend, and what’s the most important lesson you’ve learned about doing a successful podcast?
Microphone: Start small. A $20 mic from the store will do just fine.
Software: Windows – Audacity is free. Mac – Garageband is free. (Aside – Audacity is also available for the Mac, but crashed a lot for me, so I got Amadeus Pro, which is quite affordable and much like a stable Audacity.)
Host: Libsyn.com – The first podcast host, designed to handle the greater demands of large audio and video files.
Other resources: Tricks of the Podcasting Masters, by Lafferty/Walch (Come on, I had to!), Podcasting for Dummies, by Morris/Terra
Advice: Interact with your listeners. Give them a place to contact/follow you and respond to them; when your voice is in peoples’ ears, it creates an intimacy not found in providing text.
Who vs. Who vs. Who
Of the five items on the Best Dramatic Presentation (Short Form) category for the Hugo awards, there are three episodes of Doctor Who. I recently received season six on DVD for my birthday, which means I’ve been able to watch and rank all three.
Spoilers ahead…
Third Place: A Good Man Goes to War
I feel like this should have been the best of the three episodes. The setup was there: Rory and the Doctor have to rescue Amy and newborn Melody from a heavily guarded space station. To paraphrase River Song, this was an episode that was supposed to show us the Doctor’s finest moment, and then his darkest.
I wasn’t feeling it. It felt like the show was trying too hard, and cramming too many plot revelations into the episode. The Doctor was certainly clever and efficient, and it was interesting to see him calling in debts and putting together an interstellar A-Team. The Silurian and her human companion were my favorites. But it all felt rather by-the-numbers.
There were some great moments. Badass of the Year award goes to Rory for the scene when he marches onto the bridge of a Cyberman ship. I liked the “Melody Williams” vs. “Melody Pond” exchange between Amy and Rory. And I think it’s good for the show to explore the consequences of the Doctor’s “Basically, run…” reputation. But ultimately, while it was a quick-paced and exciting plot, I think that worked against the emotional side. It never stopped long enough to let me feel.
Second Place: The Girl Who Waited
I loved the central problem of this episode. After arriving at Apalapucia, we discover the planet was quarantined due to a disease that kills two-hearted species within a day. Through timey-wimey manipulation, they split off multiple timelines that allowed the sick to live entire lifetimes in that day, while healthy people could look in on them. Amy accidentally enters an accelerated timeline, and lives 36 years on her own before Rory and the Doctor find her. And since the robotic doctors would be deadly to a human, Amy spends those 36 years fighting to survive…
This was a “smaller” episode than “A Good Man Goes to War”: just our three main characters and a bunch of robots. I loved seeing Karen Gillan’s older, harder version of herself, complete with armor made up of the shells of old medibots, armed with a sword and club, and even her own cobbled-together sonic screwdriver probe. I loved seeing how she changed, and her hatred for the Doctor who once again failed to return for her. I loved that she stopped waiting for rescue, that she saved herself.
The last ten minutes or so were incredibly powerful. The Doctor can yank young-Amy from the timestream, but it would erase old-Amy from existence. I loved that old-Amy didn’t want to die. The moment when the Doctor shuts the TARDIS door on old-Amy was brilliant. I love that the show didn’t take the easy way out, that the Doctor knew what he had to do and did it. It showed the alien Time Lord side of him in a way I hadn’t seen in a while.
I did have some nitpicks. How did Amy learn to make a sonic screwdriver or a katana capable of decapitating a robot? What’s with this season trying to bypass the Doctor’s regenerations? (The plague would kill him permanently. Another episode referred to his regenerations being “offline.” Huh???) But overall, I thought it was a very good episode.
First Place: The Doctor’s Wife
I loved it. The plot itself was pretty typical — sentient superbeing called the House lures the Doctor past the edge of the universe in order to feed on the TARDIS. But first House has to remove the TARDIS’ matrix, and tucks it into a human form.
The relationship between the Doctor and Suranne Jones’ personified TARDIS was amazing. I loved their early conversations, when her perceptions were out of synch with normal time. I loved the history between them, and their obvious joy in one another. I loved the smaller moments, like when the Doctor is looking out at ruined TARDISes and seeing the parts he can use to rescue his friends, and Jones’ character points out that she sees the corpses of her sisters.
It was the ending that pushed this into the number one spot for me. Because a human body can’t hold the energies of a TARDIS for long, as we learned back at the end of season nine. And that means the Doctor will never again be able to talk to and interact with his longest companion the way he has in this episode.
In those last minutes, when he’s all but begging her not to leave, you see just how powerfully lonely a man the Doctor really is. It’s heart-wrenching, and it’s some of the best acting I’ve seen from Matt Smith so far.
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For the Doctor Who fans out there, what do you think? Agree or disagree, or is there another season six episode you’d rank higher? (I haven’t seen the final few episodes of the season, so please don’t spoil those for me…)
Campbell Interview: Brad Torgersen
The John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer is an annual award for, well, the best new SF/F author. (Meaning someone whose SF/F was first professionally published within the past two years.) I’ll be interviewing all five of this year’s nominees, beginning with Brad Torgersen, who was selected to go first by the highly scientific process of being the first to get back to me with answers…
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1) In exactly 23 words, who is Brad Torgersen?
Full-time healthcare nerd by day, part-time Chief Warrant Officer on the weekend, science fiction writer by night. Hugo, Campbell, Nebula nominee.
2) Tell us about the kind of fiction you write, and where we can find some of it!
I do mostly science fiction, with multiple appearances in Analog Science Fiction and Fact magazine. My Hugo and Nebula nominee, “Ray of Light,” was the cover story for the December 2011 issue of Analog. It’s also available on-line through Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble as an e-novelette, along with many of my other previously published stories. I also have some collaborative work coming out soon. “Peacekeeper” is a military science fiction story I did with Mike Resnick. It’s in Ian Watson’s anthology, THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF SF WARS. Mike and I also have another military SF piece, “Guard Dog,” now out in SPACE BATTLES, edited by Bryan Schmidt. And there is the rarity — a fantasy tale — also by myself and Mike, already out in Phil Athans’s THE FATHOMLESS ABYSS shared world project. Coming in Analog later this year I’ve got a piece I did with friend and fellow Analog author, Alastair Mayer, called, “Strobe Effect.” As well as a solo military SF story called, “The Exchange Officers.”
3) What has been the best moment of your writing career thus far? What about the worst?
I think I have to quote actor Geoffrey Lewis on this: the best one, is the next one. It was a magnificent thrill to (finally!) be published in Writers of the Future 26, as well as the November 2010 issue of Analog — my double debut. It was a thrill selling my third story, and then my fourth, and then my fifth… I’m well over a dozen sold stories now, including collaborations, and each one of them has been a pleasure to write, sell, and see in print. Whether it’s been in concert with mentors and friends like Mike Resnick or Al Mayer, or solo. Heck, before I landed on the big awards ballots, I got a readers’ choice award for my novelette, “Outbound,” which was my first Analog publication. Before that story, I’d gotten dozens of rejections from Stan Schmidt. To see my first Analog story win the AnLab was a remarkable thing. I think all the many, long years of frustration and endless rejection have taught me to treasure the (new) successes, however humble they may be. Now, when I sell a story, or I make an awards ballot, I treat it like it’s a silver dollar discovered on the sidewalk: I scoop it up, I count myself lucky, I savor the sensation of it in my pocket as I go about my daily business. It’s a wonderful thing to be publishing and garnering acclaim, both from peers, and from readers. Simply wonderful.
As for the worst moment… I don’t dwell on those much, but I can say I was positively crestfallen when my first Finalist story for Writers of the Future did not win. It was summer 2009, and I was going through a hell of a hard time at my civilian job, as well as enduring the crucible of Warrant Officer Candidate School on the Reserve side. When I found out I was a Writers of the Future Finalist, I was certain my moment had come. At last! It was the best story I’d ever written, period. And it didn’t win! I went home from work that day and just sat at the kitchen: the picture of despair. My best work, and it didn’t even win Writers of the Future; supposedly the “entry level” market. How could I possibly hope to succeed with bigger markets, after so many years of zilch? It was a massive blow to my hopes and aspirations. But it was not fatal, thankfully. By that point I was old enough and had experienced enough hard knocks to realize that this too would pass. So I got back to work, after licking my hurt ego for a few days. The next story out the door, “Exanastasis,” actually did win Writers of the Future. Even better still: the non-winner, “Outbound,” was the story that went to Analog, and got the AnLab award, and has sold (and keeps selling) to new markets overseas. I think of it as my phoenix story. From the ashes…
4) And now for the most important question of the interview: What is the correct orientation for putting a new roll of toilet paper on the holder?
HAH! We’re bohemians in my household. We have vertical TP holders from Ikea. It’s not a question of over or under, it’s a question of left or right. And on that matter, I don’t think anyone in my family cares. (grin)
5) After years of worldwide bathroom conflicts, you’ve chosen vertical toilet paper? What madness is this? HAVE WE LIVED AND FOUGHT IN VAIN???
Ahem. What I meant to say was, as a writer, where would you like to be in ten years?
Still publishing a few stories a year in Analog magazine. Hopefully publishing books with one or more major publishers. Perhaps some ancillary projects like video games or even something for Hollywood? Again, the years of failure have taught me to value the recent successes, big or small. Everything that comes to me now? It’s like a great big Halloween candy bowl. I can’t complain. I’m getting more sales and more recognition in my first two years as a published pro than I ever dared hope for when I was unpublished and struggling. I am moving forward with reserved optimism. Working as hard as I can on the next manuscript, and then the next one after that, and then the next one after that. Et cetera.
6) You’re currently nominated for the Hugo and the Nebula awards as well as the Campbell. (Congratulations, by the way!) If you could only win one, which would you pick and why?
That’s a tough call. I think the odds are best for the Campbell, though this award tends to go to novelists rather than short story writers. I am told by men like Mike Resnick that the Hugo has the most prestige, among the three, and looking at the other writers who have novelettes next to mine on the Chicon 7 Hugo ballot, I have to say I think it’s an excellently represented category this year. Top drawer work by top drawer writers. I am honored to be listed. Then again my friend Eric James Stone took the Nebula last year, and since I was his room mate at the Nebula weekend I got to see his Nebula trophy up close and personal. It’s a lovely thing!
But really, even being on the short lists is satisfying in and of itself. I will forever after be able to count my name among the (very small) group of people who’ve managed to be on all three lists at once in their careers. People like Barry Longyear. Therefore my winning even one of these awards, much less more than one, is almost too much to hope for. There are so many talented, deserving men and women who are also on these ballots with me. It’s daunting. I know that’s a very wordy non-answer, but it’s the best I can do. (grin)
7) What’s the best piece of advice you can give to an aspiring author?
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your writing career. Very, very, very few authors ever sell their first books or stories right out of the box. Learning to be a proficient professional fiction writer isn’t much different from learning to play an instrument, or a sport, at the professional level. It takes exhaustive commitment and dedication. You have to burn for it, deep down, and you cannot let yourself fall into the trap of thinking and talking about writing, without actually writing. I advise setting monthly, weekly, even daily goals. One page a day. Five pages a days. Twenty pages a week. Whatever. Just make yourself sit down and do it. And don’t fret if the early books or stories don’t sell. It’s all part of your development. Embrace the struggle. Learn as you go. You will grow more as a writer through writing, than you will through almost any other type of activity.
Another Fundraiser Update
With five days left in the Rape Crisis Center Fundraiser, we’ve raised almost $3000. We’re very close to adding a hardcover set of Laura Anne Gilman’s Vineart War trilogy to the prizes.
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I had hoped to have more to post here: links to related articles, or maybe an essay of my own. At the very least, I was thinking about reposting one of my older articles about rape.
But one of the things I’m trying to do to deal with the depression thing is to be more aware about budgeting spoons. The response to the cover poses post has been a bit overwhelming, just like last time. While it’s been mostly positive and wonderful, and I’m very happy to see so much discussion, I still found myself sitting down at the computer and thinking, I don’t have the energy to deal with another big or intense blog post right now.
It feels a little weird to listen to that voice, but I’m going to give it a shot and see what happens.
Posing Like a Man
Earlier this year, I did what turned out to be my most popular blog post ever, in which I posed like women in various urban fantasy covers to try to point out some of the problematic aspects of said covers.
I’m certainly not the only one to talk about these issues. Tor.com did a post just last week: Hey Everyone – Stop Taking This Picture. As usually happens in these discussions, some people responded with, “What about romance covers?” and “Men are objectified too, you know!”
Well, sure. Men can absolutely be objectified too. But is it the same kind of objectification? Are we contorted into similarly painful, impractical, and improbable positions? Is the posing of men in book covers really equivalent to the posing of women?
There was, of course, only one way to find out…
Given the number of books out there, you can find a cover to “prove” just about any point. I tried to pick representative examples of romance, paranormal/genre romance, and Conan covers for this post. These covers are all from larger publishers, and with the exception of the Conans, I believe they’re all from relatively recent releases.
I was a bit surprised to see that men do get the head-chopped-off treatment fairly often, as you can see below, though I don’t know that it’s as common as it is with women.
When I tried my first female pose back in January, the first thing I noticed was pain as my muscles protested what I was trying to do to them. By contrast, my first pose here was a piece of cake. While I don’t typically stand around all day with my shirt unbuttoned, the pose above felt relaxed and fairly natural.
The second pose was almost as easy.
Once again, we’ve got a nicely chiseled body (at least on the right), but aside from having to put my right arm back a little further than I wanted, it was a pretty natural pose.
Off-topic, am I the only one who looks at that dude and thinks his belly button is fleeing up his torso?
I did find a book cover that came close to the pose they were talking about in the Tor.com post.
A few thoughts about this one. First off, as noted in the image, if I was a female I’d be expected to keep my butt on display while twisting my spine enough to thrust my breasts at the viewer as well. As a guy, I can just stand there and pretend to look muscular. Also, most of the time when I see women posed like this, the butt and breasts are highlighted. If you look at the cover for Magic Unchained, his butt is mostly in shadow, with text further obscuring it.
Let’s move into “true” romance territory and see what happens…
First of all, I went to all that trouble to don a Snoopy tie, and you can barely even tell! Sigh. And for those thinking, “Wait, didn’t Jim say he doesn’t own a suit?” I don’t. That’s my karate gi.
Anyway, I put this one up because I found a surprising number of covers with fully dressed men. I guess men are allowed to be attractive with their clothes on.
In this case, you’ve got the man holding on to his woman (given his stance and posture, the possessive is intentional), slipping off her dress. The dynamic here is pretty clear, yes?
But let’s get back to the shirtless dudes!
Okay, so this time the woman is fully dressed and the man is topless. But he’s still very much the dominant one, holding his woman to keep her from toppling over backward.
Is anyone else starting to see a pattern here? Men on covers show off the abs, pecs, and arms, but always in a position where they appear powerful.
I couldn’t do romance without at least one classic Fabio cover.
Same thing. Both the man and the woman are showing skin, but the man is the one in control. He’s powerful; she’s helpless in his arms.
I also decided to try a few old-school Conan novels, as these are also mentioned from time to time as examples of objectification of men.
Showing off the body, yes. But in a powerful, I’m-gonna-kick-your-ass-and-feast-on-your-pancreas kind of way. There is a little contortion going on here, trying to show off those pecs, but it’s nowhere near the level of twisting I remember from my female cover poses.
ETA: I can’t believe I missed the, um, “overcompensatory” positioning of Conan’s sword in this one. Teenage me is so disappointed.
This was the first pose that caused some pain, and I didn’t get it quite right. (Though the pain helped me with my barbarian grimace.) I’m still not sure what’s going on with his waist and hips there. But the distortion you get with Conan is matched by the woman clinging to his arm, who is bulging in bad-comic-book proportions as she waits for her man to protect her. I would have tried to do her pose as well, but I suspect doing so would have put me in the hospital.
I did a better job with this next one, though.
As usual, we’ve got the man in an action pose, ready to go after a random bad guy who set his own hand on fire. (Must be a goblin wizard.) Then you have the woman, pretty much equally naked, but helpless and bent to emphasize the butt. Even lying on the floor, this was one of the more painful poses of the photoshoot, in part because I couldn’t use my left hand to support myself, but I had to keep both my torso and butt directed upward..
In Conclusion
- Men on book covers are indeed posed shirtless in ways that show off their musculature. However…
- Male poses do not generally emphasize sexuality at the expense of all other considerations.
- Male poses do emphasize the character’s power and strength in a way many (most?) female cover poses don’t.
- When posed with a woman, the man will usually be in the dominant, more powerful posture.
- Male poses do not generally require a visit to the chiropractor afterward.
- See also ocelott’s post comparing male and female poses. She comes to pretty much the same conclusions as I did.
So are men objectified and sexualized on book covers? Sometimes, sure … but not in the same way, and not, I think, to the same extent. I’ll admit that going through these poses made me feel like I should spend the rest of the day doing push-ups and sit-ups. But overall, to suggest that the posing of men on covers is anywhere near as problematic as the posing of women seems, well, ignorant and wrong.
As before, thank you to my wife Amy for helping me with the poses and taking the pictures.
Comments and discussion are welcome.
Hugo Lessons Thus Far
Hugo voting just opened and runs through the end of July, which makes today a good day for this particular post.
I’ve picked the brains of some friends, trying to figure out how to handle the whole Hugo nomination thing. What follows is a combination of my own thoughts, along with the wisdom and guidance I’ve received from others.
First of all, if ever there was an occasion that called for Calvin-style Lucky Rocketship Underpants, this is it!
I would ask if anyone knows where I can get some, but knowing you all, I have the feeling I’d be deluged with links. (And on the off chance that I won, I could totally see John Scalzi deciding to formally present me with said underpants when I went up on stage.)
How do I avoid freaking out for the next 4+ months until the winners are announced?
Apparently, freaking out is mandatory for all nominees. If the freaking out decreases to an unacceptable level, your e-mail is programmed to automatically alert you to the fact that someone, somewhere is talking about your category, thus boosting your freakout back to acceptable levels. Which leads directly to…
Do not read people’s blog posts about the Hugo ballot.
I learned this one all by myself after coming across a few blog posts and having the following experiences.
- Blogger A said they were happy to see me on the Fan Writer list and would probably vote for me. OMGYAY SOMEONE’S GOING TO VOTE FOR ME I’M TOTALLY GOING TO WIN!!!
- Blogger B said they were going to vote for someone else, and asked why a professional writer was on the Fan Writer list. AW CRAP I’M SO GOING TO LOSE AND EVERYONE WILL HATE ME FOREVER!!!
Yeah. I think it’s best if I just stop reading those posts…
What should I wear?
Women: Anything less than the perfect blend of elegance, professionalism, beauty, and class will be judged harshly both by those in attendance at Worldcon and those observing the webcast online.
Men: Eh. Whatever.
Fun fact – I have not owned a suit for many years now. I do have a half-dozen good Snoopy ties, though.
The Hugo Voter Packet is awesome.
Basically, for a $50 Supporting Membership, you get electronic copies of pretty much all of the nominated books and stories, not to mention a sampling from the fan writers. (We were asked to submit four pieces that represent our writing.) I’ve heard rumors this should be available in May.
Any ties will now be settled with Moroccan Fighting Cupcakes in a duel to the sweet, tasty DEATH!
This worries me, as Steven Silver is skilled with three different flavors of frosting, and I hear that Claire Brialey has been known to sneak ninja sprinkles onto her cupcakes…
Wednesday Stuff
Thank you all for the supportive comments and stories on my depression post Monday, and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to respond to them all individually. It’s very much appreciated. On a related note, I think four of the most powerful words in English are “You are not alone.”
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Rape Crisis Center Fundraiser Update: We’ve raised more than $2500 so far, which is wonderful. For those who still want to donate, RAINN is matching all donations for the rest of April, meaning anything you give is effectively doubled. Also, my LJ friend Shadesong is once again doing the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center Walk for Change. If you sponsor her, that would also count as an entry toward my fundraiser. I’m just saying…
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Remember that cover pose thing I did earlier this year? I’m thinking about doing another one to address some of the most common responses I hear when we talk about how women are posed and portrayed. This is inspired in part by the comments to an article over at Tor.com: Hey Everyone, Stop Taking This Picture. What do you think? Does the world need another round of ridiculously-posed Jim pics?
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I have Libriomancer bookmarks. If you’ll be going to a convention in the next 3-4 months and would be willing to put some bookmarks out on the freebies table, please let me know? Thank you!
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Socchan has posted her pattern for a crocheted Jig the Goblin.
Well This Sucks (Depression)
A week ago, I went in for a doctor appointment, the end result of which was that I’ve started taking Zoloft for depression.
I feel like there should be a punchline here. “This is what I get for reading about Arizona politics” or “I blame the mess that is my current first draft.”
This hasn’t been a paralyzing, debilitating problem. I’ve been going to work, writing, taking care of the kids, going to karate … everything I’m supposed to do. But I haven’t been enjoying it. I’ve had less patience with my family. It’s gotten steadily harder to find the energy or motivation to do things. I’m spending more and more time feeling annoyed or apathetic.
It should not feel that draining or overwhelming to answer a simple e-mail.
I took any number of those depression self-assessments, most of which told me I was either mildly or moderately depressed. Even so, it took me close to a year to finally call and make an appointment to do something about it. Why did I wait so long? Probably the same reason I hesitated to blog about this.
I have no problem blogging about my diabetes. I’ve never felt ashamed of that disease, and I’ve never hesitated to talk about it, or to do whatever I needed in order to take care of myself.
This felt different. I’m diabetic because my pancreas took early retirement. That’s not my fault. But in my head, I was depressed because I wasn’t strong enough to deal with everything.
I know better. I was a psych major, and I’m married to a licensed counselor. I’ve watched people close to me start antidepressants, and I’ve seen how much of a difference it can make in their lives. I’ve never thought of them as weak, or of antidepressants as a sign that they’ve somehow failed at life.
It feels different when it’s you. There’s a double-standard. I know perfectly well that depression isn’t something you can simply will yourself through. I understand that neurochemical imbalance can be a physiological problem, just like a lazy pancreas. But I told myself it wasn’t really depression. I was just stressed. I needed some down time. I could tough it out. Eventually it would get better.
I can’t remember exactly when I stopped believing it would get better.
These aren’t things I’ve talked about online. There are aspects of my life that don’t make it onto the blog, and this certainly wasn’t what I wanted to project as Jim C. Hines, World Famous Author/Blogger/Cover Model!
We’re starting with a low dosage, and it will probably be a month or more before the medication starts to have an effect. Maybe longer. I was extremely hesitant about this. I don’t like the idea of messing with my brain … except that depression is a sign that my brain has already gotten messed up. I’m a bit worried about side effects too, though I’m told those should be minimal.
I have felt a little better this past week. I’d blame it on the placebo effect, except that I know perfectly well the meds don’t work this fast. Instead, I think it’s because I’m doing something. I don’t feel stuck, and there’s hope that I’ll get back to feeling like me again.
I am not asking for advice. If that changes, I’ll let y’all know.
Anyway, this is why I’ve been a bit slower to respond to e-mail, though I’m trying not to let anything slip through the cracks. This is why the rape fundraiser this year is a little less organized, and I didn’t get it posted right at the start of the month.
I’m not going to turn the blog into all-depression, all-the-time, any more than I blog about diabetes all the time. But given how open I’ve tried to be about the latter, it felt dishonest to not talk about the former, too. It felt dishonest to me. And, after all, the first step in solving a problem is acknowledgment, right?