Trust Your Gut
Yesterday afternoon, my daughter was getting ready to walk home from a friend’s house. Her friend walked with her toward the end of the street. At this point, a blue car pulled to a stop up ahead. The driver didn’t get out; he simply watched them.
The girls turned around and went back to the driveway, where my daughter called me on her phone to let me know she would be late. As soon as she brought the phone to her ear, the car took off.
When she called, she started off by apologizing because she was supposed to be home by 5:00…
One of the most important lessons I hear in almost every kind of self-defense is to listen to your gut. If something feels wrong, trust that feeling.
That’s not something we tend to encourage in this culture. We’re pressured to just keep quiet and avoid raising a fuss (especially girls and women). We second-guess those gut feelings. We let friends and others push us into situations that feel wrong, and we stay in those situations because we’ve learned to be more afraid of the scorn, of being ostracized.
I told my daughter she had done exactly the right thing, and despite her protests that the car had left and it was only a few blocks to get home, I drove over to pick her up. (This also gave me the chance to talk to her friend’s Dad.)
Maybe the guy in the blue car was just lost. Maybe my daughter and her friend were perfectly safe the whole time. But in a situation like this, I don’t want to take that chance.
More importantly, when she feels like something’s not right, I want her to trust that feeling, and I want her to act on it.
#
(Because I suspect someone will ask, yes, I did call the police and let them know what happened. There’s obviously not much they can do beyond keeping an eye out, but at least they’re aware.)
Fitz
February 2, 2012 @ 10:25 am
Wow. Very scary. My eldest will soon be entering middle school and we’ve been pretty paranoid about letting them walk home from school by themselves because of some scares in our neighborhood with scary cars and the occasional abduction attempt (no successes thankfully). Even if it *was* just an innocent car in the neighborhood, if it gives a bad vibe I’m glad your daughter listened to it. But listening to that vibe isn’t something that can be taught – just encouraged when the opportunity arises.
Jim C. Hines
February 2, 2012 @ 10:33 am
She’s at the same age, and will probably be walking home from school at least some of the time next year. As disturbing as this incident was, it also makes me feel better in a way, because it tells me she’s got a good sense of what to do when something feels wrong.
“But listening to that vibe isn’t something that can be taught – just encouraged when the opportunity arises.”
I don’t know that I agree with this … I think it can be taught, at least to some extent. Both by talking about it beforehand and, when something does happen, by discussing what happened and how they felt, helping them to recognize and listen to those signals.
kimberlycreates
February 2, 2012 @ 10:51 am
Wow! So glad she decided to turn around and call. Yeah, the guy could’ve been lost, but it sure sounds fishy that he took off as soon as she put the phone to her ear. I’m not a fan of giving kids cell phones (my daughter has broken two of them so far), but safety is one big reason to have them — as this shows.
My kids and I (even my husband and I), often play “What if…” games. “Well what should I do if …” I don’t want my kids to be fearful of everything (one of my daughters is already very anxious) but I do want them to be aware of the world around them, in tune to their gut feelings, and confident enough to follow their gut even if other people think they’re being overly cautious.
Matt
February 2, 2012 @ 10:58 am
I work at a college and over the past couple of years, I’ve had the opportunity to help teach some self-defense classes. One of the first things we try to teach them is awareness. The ‘What-If’ game is pretty good. So is ‘Pick out everyone wearing [Color] and describe them to me when we finish this walk’. We also teach them about distance and what you might think is a safe distance, isn’t (i.e. I can cross 20 feet before you can shout).
Unfortunately, most of the students treat the class like it’s a game. They just enjoy the part where they get to throw me over their shoulder :-/ I cross campus a lot and I can’t count the number of times I’ve startled someone because I was able to approach someone without them noticing. They’re too busy fiddling with their cell phones.
Terri
February 2, 2012 @ 11:10 am
I am so glad that everything turned out well for you and your daughter. She is lucky that she listened to her instincts, and she is even more lucky to have a father that encourages it! My husband is a police officer, and too often victims tell him that they just knew something was wrong/about to happen/”off” but they dismissed the feeling. There is a wonderful book called “The Gift of Fear” about listening to your instincts, and another book to help teach your children about staying safe called “Protecting the Gift.” http://booklaunch-countdown.blogspot.com/ I hope you don’t mind me sharing the link. Again, I am so glad everyone is well!
Fitz
February 2, 2012 @ 11:12 am
I can’t believe I hadn’t thought about the “What If?” game and basic situational awareness exercises. Both of these are great things and *can* be worked on with my kids. I’m glad I chimed in and kept listening to the conversation on this post. Now I have some work to do…
Terri
February 2, 2012 @ 11:12 am
Crud! I accidently put MY link above from when I “cut” it to fill in the comment form. Sorry, sorry, sorry!!!! Here is the correct link: http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
Jim C. Hines
February 2, 2012 @ 11:13 am
It happens 🙂
The same book was also recommended over on LJ, and I’ve already added it to my wish list.
Jim C. Hines
February 2, 2012 @ 11:14 am
“Now I have some work to do…”
You and me both 🙂
David Dyer-Bennet
February 2, 2012 @ 12:09 pm
Yes. There doesn’t have to have been a “bad man” in the car for this to have been the right choice.
We’re fairly good at noticing things not quite fitting in, because nearly all threats fall into that category. Most of the possible threats don’t demonstrate themselves to be real, but modest route and schedule changes are very very very cheap compared to missing a real threat.
Howard Tayler
February 2, 2012 @ 1:16 pm
Gavin de Becker’s book “The Gift of Fear” is a must-read. It outlines this exact “trust your gut” principle, and explains how to make the best use of it.
Jim C. Hines
February 2, 2012 @ 1:18 pm
It’s on my wish list.
Mel
February 2, 2012 @ 5:54 pm
Exactly the right reaction on their parts. Way to go, girls!
My dad raised me to be aware of my surroundings, wherever I was, and I am always happy when I see this in action elsewhere.
Anna O'Connell
February 2, 2012 @ 6:12 pm
Jim – I have a copy in my “available to Bookmooch” bin. It’s been there a while, so it’s yours if you want it.
Hilary Moon Murphy
February 2, 2012 @ 7:20 pm
This was terrifying, Jim. So glad the girls kept their heads.
Nichole
February 2, 2012 @ 10:24 pm
Teach her to text message you the license plate number. That way the police can identify the guy. Based on the scenario you just described, they have probable cause to trip his plate, and his home address will come up with the DMV information. The cops will also run a wants/warrrents check with info from the DMV listing.
Most likely, he was just lost, or maybe he liked your daughter’s purple shoes and wanted to get some for his kid – we never know. But the local beat cops can stop by his house for a friendly, non-confrontational chat just to make sure. Especially if he has priors – and absolutely if he’s a sex/arson registrant.
If the guy’s innocent, he won’t mind the cops checking in. Especially if he’s got kids of his own. If he’s not, then he knows to stay out of your neighborhood.
This may sound like overkill, but I’ve done it several times (as the cop, not as the parent). Every time but once, the guy I contacted gushed about how sorry he was to cause alarm and everything was fine. It took maybe a half hour out of my day. Not a big deal.
That once time, the guy was a PC 290 registrant (supervised release)out of compliance. He went to jail.
Get the digits.
Always trust your instincts. God put those little hairs on the back of our necks for a reason.
David Dyer-Bennet
February 3, 2012 @ 9:42 am
Wow, I didn’t realize the numbers claimed varied quite so widely. parents.com at http://www.parents.com/kids/safety/stranger-safety/child-abduction-facts/ is claiming 750,000 children a year, while http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CCoQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ncjrs.gov%2Fpdffiles1%2Fojjdp%2F196467.pdf&ei=Re8rT_KrO8G02AWbwYHyDg&usg=AFQjCNEa0vQd9H_Itn7gHYikrMyinPa7yg&sig2=VlmX6o0DwmNNLi59Xo7rkQ says 58,000 non-family abductions, including only about 115 stereotypical “kidnappings”. (If there’s a really really high level of within-family kidnapping, these numbers could all be right at the same time, even.) (They’re from 2001 and 2002, pretty close together.)
There’s a big industry devoted to spreading fear about people abducting children, remember; it gets mindshare disproportional to the risk. But situational awareness and sensible reactions are worthwhile in general, and help with a lot more than stranger abductions.
phoenixfirewolf
February 7, 2012 @ 1:10 pm
That is scary. I’m so glad your daughter made such a good call there. When I was a kid there was a guy who tried to grab a couple of kids in my neighborhood, and I lived in a country suburb. sheesh…
Thanks for sharing Jim!
Julie
sara g
February 7, 2012 @ 8:42 pm
And by avoiding punishing them when they do it when you don’t feel like anything was weird.
Ali
February 8, 2012 @ 9:30 am
Your daughter has a good sense of situational awareness, and that’s a really good thing. A lot of kids — hell, a lot of grownups — don’t notice things like that blue car. I’m glad that she did, and I’m glad that she did the right thing.
DawnD
February 11, 2012 @ 6:12 pm
At one time, years ago, I put in thousands of hours working with a rape crisis group. You are absolutely right – we all need to listen to that little voice. Thank you for supporting your daughter. And I’m glad that I read through the comments. I’ve got a few new things on my wish list too!
Roadnotes
February 16, 2012 @ 1:02 pm
That little voice is an excellent thing. If it’s not too intrusive, I would also suggest that your daughter make note of any acquaintances who mock her gut feelings, and be cautious when hanging out with them. My partner and I have an essential agreement that, when we’re out together, if one of us feels that, say, crossing the street or going past that alley feels hinky, we don’t do it. No “oh, it’ll be fine,” or “it was okay last night” — we trust each other’s gut feelings.