Well-Tempered Clavicle, by Piers Anthony
Decades ago, I read a lot of Piers Anthony. Most of his books were fast-paced and didn’t take themselves too seriously, which I appreciated. I haven’t read his stuff in years, but when I received a review copy of his latest book Well-Tempered Clavicle, the thirty-fifth Xanth book, I decided to check it out. I figured it would be a fun trip to a fantasy world I hadn’t visited in a while.
Reader, that was a mistake. Let me summarize the first part of the book, to the tune of the Badgers song:
Panties, panties, panties, panties,
panties, panties, panties, panties,
panties, panties, panties, panties,
breast grope, breast grope.
Panties, panties, panties, panties,
panties, panties, panties, panties,
panties, panties, panties, panties,
breast grope, rape!
And that’s when I stopped reading.
For the sake of accuracy, I should point out that the scene in chapter five wasn’t an actual, completed rape, but a thwarted attempt:
Attilla looked, expecting another pun. What he saw made him pause appreciatively. “Hello, nymph. Are you looking for a faun?”
“I am no nymph,” she replied. “I am Joy’nt, the walking skeleton.”
The bleep you are! I know a nymph when I see one. So get a run on, because if I catch you I’ll make exactly like a celebrating faun.”
…
Attilla sheathed his sword and grabbed her by an arm. “Bleep no! Now I’ve got you and I will do what I bleeping well please with you.”
WHAT THE BLEEP HAPPENED TO THESE BOOKS?
The plot is about a walking skeleton (Picka Bones) and his friend Joy’nt, a dog named Woofer, a cat named Midrange, a bird named Tweeter, and a princess named Dawn who needs a prince. In order for Dawn to find her man, they’re sent to capture Pundora’s box, which released a flood of terrible puns into Xanth.
I’ll be honest, I was torn about posting this review. Partly because I don’t generally review books I don’t finish, and partly because I skipped ahead to the author’s note and learned that Anthony’s daughter died while he was writing this book. I can’t even imagine what he went through, and I feel terrible for him and his family. So I wouldn’t expect this to be his strongest book.
Yet if this is a substandard Xanth book, why didn’t an editor at Tor work with Anthony to fix it? Why did they send this thing to print as is? Tor puts out a lot of incredible books, so I’m baffled as to how or why they let this one into the world in its current form.
I suspect that the things I find problematic go deeper than this one book. Anthony notes that his next Xanth book will probably be Luck of the Draw, “wherein there is a Demon contest to determine the ideal man for Princess Harmony … Xanth has many princesses, as noted, and finding suitable men for them is a continuing project.”
Right.
The panties thing was beginning to show up even back when I stopped reading Anthony’s stuff, but now it seems like every human and humanoid female has to flash them at least once a chapter to fulfill the panty quota. And then there’s the “fun and lighthearted” attempted rape. (Because men are just like that and can’t help themselves…)
Yeah, I’m done. I think I’m going to go read Elizabeth Bear’s Range of Ghosts instead.
—
Adam
December 12, 2011 @ 10:26 am
I haven’t read this book, and even with your review, I’ll still probably pick it up eventually. I have the first 32 or 33 Xanth books (I don’t remember exactly what number I’m at in the series) and I’ve enjoyed them to varying degrees.
The Xanth books are the only PIers Anthony books that I’ve read, and the early books are by far better than many of the later ones. The book that introduced Woofer, Tweeter, and Midrange (#20 – Yon Ill Wind) was a really good book and for my money has one of the most memorable endings of any book I’ve read.
The stories are all really formulaic (which is a large part of why he’s been writing a Xanth book every year for about 20 years now) but some of them are really quite good. It’s a shame that as wonderful as some of these books are, there are several that are really bad
Mishell Baker
December 12, 2011 @ 10:34 am
I stopped reading as soon as the books became mostly about pubescent girls’ panties. I think that was around book 15 or so. I am honestly shocked he’s still writing (or selling) these.
Jeff Dougan
December 12, 2011 @ 10:40 am
I also haven’t read Xanth (or other Piers Anthony) in ages upon ages. (I think I stopped at book 18). He’s done some good stuff in other realms — I recall being particularly fond of the Incarnations of Immortality series and the original 3 Apprentice Adept books.
Jim C. Hines
December 12, 2011 @ 10:41 am
I remember reading an early Xanth book where they looked into the future and saw other forthcoming Xanth titles, including one named “The Color of Her Panties.”
I think that was right around the time I stopped reading Piers Anthonoy.
Skennedy
December 12, 2011 @ 10:43 am
Piers Anthony was my favorite author as a child. I wrote him a letter when I was 11 or 12, and he kindly wrote me back. I particularly loved the blue adept series, but I read pretty much everything.
And then, after having moved on to Heinlein (who became my favorite until he wasn’t), I went back to Anthony and just couldn’t do it.
I recently reread about half of the Adept series, and I was stunned by what I consider to be overwrought transparent pathos. All the subtlety of a Bay production. Just goes to show how perspectives change over time, I guess.
Jim Taylor
December 12, 2011 @ 1:10 pm
It really is a shame. I loved several classics by Piers Anthony over the years, but I was never really fond of Xanth. Tatham Mound is still a great book, and I do still like the first 7 Incarnations books. The newest book of his I have read was the 8th Incarnations book, and I was very disappointed. Based on that I’ll just keep to the books that I like and not get any more.
It’s disappointing as I had a chance to meet him at a signing and he was delightful in person. I just don’t care for his recent works.
Jayle Enn
December 12, 2011 @ 2:19 pm
I remember reading my first Xanth novel twenty years ago, or maybe more; I think it was Heaven Cent. One scene involved the characters being challenged to some sort of contest by a band of fairies, where success meant freedom and failure… failure meant they’d be breeding stock. The main character of the novel was pre-pubescent. I think that was the same book where a nymph tried to coax him into assuming his ‘real’ adult form. She at least backed off when the mistake was explained.
But anyway, this sounds about par for the course. Nowhere near as creepy as some of his other stuff (Ghost, I’m glancing at you sidelong), but definitely something I’d try to encourage a friend or young reader to set aside for better-written fare.
Susan
December 12, 2011 @ 4:39 pm
This is really telling how old I am, but I think it was in the 70s that I first (and last) read a number of the early Xanth books. I initially thought they were clever/different (a nightmare as an actual horse. . . haha). I don’t specifically remember a creepy factor back then, but that verbal stapstick palled quickly for me and I never felt a need to revisit Xanth after those long-ago forays.
It’s been a number of years since I have even seen a Xanth book, but even then I was a bit surprised there were still new ones being written. But, IMO, that can be said for a lot of series (from all kinds of genres) that should have been concluded with grace and dignity earlier in their runs.
I’m sorry about Mr. Anthony’s daughter. I have seen before how stress and tragedy in authors’ lives can affect their writing–it’s almost surprising when it doesn’t.
Jim C. Hines
December 13, 2011 @ 8:43 am
“But, IMO, that can be said for a lot of series (from all kinds of genres) that should have been concluded with grace and dignity earlier in their runs.”
Agreed. I really hope that if I ever reach that point with one of my series, that someone I trust will pull me aside and say, “Dude, let it go!”
D. Moonfire
December 17, 2011 @ 2:22 pm
That was the exact same point I stopped reading Xanth myself. I remember that title in that computer that knows everything (but can’t figure out a stupid word) and said “nope, I’m done.”
Erin Hoffman
January 2, 2012 @ 3:26 am
Hey Jim. I heard you had been dissatisfied with an Anthony book (someone mentioned it in passing awhile ago and I’ve been meaning to look this up). Sorry for the necro.
I feel weirdly obligated now to go and pick up Well-Tempered Clavicle to see if something has gone off the rails. As you mention, he had a pretty horrendous year so it is certainly possible. But from what you quote, I would only add — certainly not as any kind of defense — that there is a good bit of harassment of women in Xanth books. But it invariably (as far as I can remember) results in said harasser getting their comeuppance, usually at the hand of a strong female, commensurate to their crime. I think the book that actually got to me the most when I was younger was Night Mare, and I suspect there may be some of what we would consider “not okay” stuff in it, but in that case the abuser got the most serious comeuppance that I can recall from the entire series. I guess all of this is to say that I am personally very sensitive to these things (which is also not at all to say I speak for anyone other than myself) and I always felt safe reading a Xanth book because I knew that they were full of strong and empowering women.
The Color of Her Panties is often the book held up as the example of his over-the-top-ness or what have you, but ironically it’s one of the books that is the MOST full of strong female characters — I think it might even be a sort of reverse Bechdel in that ALL of the main characters are female (but I read it a long time ago so I could well be misremembering) — and I recall the book very fondly for that reason. (And because it had the Simurgh in it, in her way another huge strong female character, whom I loved.)
Jim C. Hines
January 3, 2012 @ 9:00 am
Hm … well, I’ll just say that doesn’t match up to my reading.
If you want to e-mail me your address, I can send you my copy of the book.
Erin Hoffman
January 4, 2012 @ 6:26 pm
> Hm … well, I’ll just say that doesn’t match up to my reading.
I’m curious which part! Though understand if it’s too tedious or unfun to explain.
About the Luck of the Draw summary, I will say that the royal family of Xanth is another interesting gender point. It’s mentioned a few times in the story that the law of the land is basically sexist, and from the very beginning Iris (the Enchantress? I think? she has a magician-caliber talent for illusion) is this righteous angry feminist character who eventually winds up marrying King Trent in order to become Queen. Later in the series — I think maybe even in Night Mare — something is kidnapping an entire series of kings of Xanth, and the Magician Humphrey finds a loophole in the law that enables Iris to become King (because nowhere does it say the King HAS to be a dude). I think this is emblematic of how a lot of this stuff is treated… bluntly, sort of playfully, not creating an idealized world where there is no sexism (the same way the world has danger, racism, etc), but treating it with the same playfulness that infuses the rest of the world, alongside throwing strong female characters at it. I believe at one point it’s determined that the person with the strongest talent in Xanth is Princess Ivy… though it’s interesting in and of itself that her talent is to enhance the talents of the people around her (so she can basically create magicians). I remember as a kid feeling like female characters in Xanth were able to do things that women in other fantasy series just didn’t or couldn’t do, and I think his large female readership probably stayed faithful because of that.
Anyway, I will cease rambling on your blog. And thanks for the offer of sending the book! Hmm. I kind of feel like I should just buy it, maybe when they release the kindle edition… though I think this might also be the last Xanth hardback with a DKS cover, since he passed away last year. =/ You could well be right that this is just an “off” book — even the cover design is not nearly as polished as the rest of them… could be the production team phoned it in, which is sad. =/