My Penny Arcade Moment
Last night, I was talking about 80s TV shows with my kids, and my daughter started mocking Voltron. She was laughing, and asked if there were robot pigs to go with the robot lions.
Unforgivable.
So I posted to Twitter/Facebook, “My daughter is mocking Voltron. This is how child abuse happens.”
Had I been thinking, I could have anticipated what came next. I wasn’t thinking.
The majority of responses were amused. But there were a few who said it wasn’t funny, or that child abuse is never funny/should never be joked about.
Before I go any further, let me make one thing clear. I do not want this to be about taking sides. And I don’t want to see words like “oversensitive” or “overreacting” in the comments, ‘kay?
With that out of the way, the fact is, many people did find the comment funny. People who specifically identified as child abuse survivors said they were amused/entertained. They talked about the ability to laugh as a coping mechanism, and perhaps as a way to reclaim some power. Elizabeth Bear commented, “When we can’t joke about awful shit, the awful shit has won.”
All of which would make it pretty easy for me to say “Well, most people weren’t upset,” and to ignore those few who were. That would certainly be more comfortable for me. The trouble is, the majority isn’t necessarily right. (They’re not necessarily wrong, either.) One of my goals as a writer is to entertain, and I think I did that for most of my readers … but there were questions I needed to ask myself:
- Did that joke minimize or belittle what abuse survivors go through?
- Did it encourage people to take child abuse less seriously?
- Could it be personally hurtful to survivors of abuse?
Note that “Did my joke make people run out and abuse their kids?” is not one of the questions. That’s not what anyone was saying, and me framing it like that would be a pretty obnoxious strawman.
For the first two questions … I don’t know. I’d like to say no, because I’d like to think of myself as someone who would never say or do anything to minimize that kind of abuse. But the sad fact is, I’m human, and sometimes I screw up.
I think a more honest answer would be … maybe? One joke by itself probably won’t make much difference, but every rainstorm is made up of individual droplets. I don’t know.
As for question number three, let me put it this way. One response came from someone whose father used “watching a cartoon he didn’t like” as an excuse to beat them. Meaning I lobbed a grenade directly onto one of their triggers. And of course, I have no way of knowing whether others might have felt hurt or angry, but — understandably — chose not to tell me.
It’s not my place to say what people can or can’t joke about. But I’m the one choosing what jokes I make, and one thing I’m taking away from this is the need to be more mindful of who might be hurt by them.
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*The title refers to this post from last month.
Mike L
March 24, 2011 @ 9:05 am
I knew when you posted it that there would be fallout. The response was as predictable as it would have been following a mild rape or racial joke.
I was amused, but I could see the storm coming. In the end, every single combination of words is going to cause a range of responses, positive and negative. Intent is huge in something like this. I don’t think there’s anyone out there who took you seriously, that in fact you were about to abuse your child over a cartoon, but it was predictable that there would be someone out there who had been abused because of a cartoon, even if they’re the only person among your readership who’s in that situation. If they can accept that you weren’t targeting them specifically, and you can accept that it wasn’t funny for that person, then you can both move on. Otherwise, you’ve lost a reader, but engaged in conversation with hundreds or thousands of others.
In the end, you have to decide whether you’re going to stop talking altogether because it might offend someone, or if you’re going to continue to engage in conversation, which will invariably alienate some of the people some of the time.
For what it’s worth, I’d prefer it if you kept talking. Even if it’s for the occasional tasteless-for-some-people joke.
Anita K.
March 24, 2011 @ 10:02 am
Thank you for having the guts & integrity to own up to this, and to think about it seriously, in such a public way. 🙂
T.J.
March 24, 2011 @ 10:47 am
I agree with Anita. You could have reacted in many ways that I would deem childish or sad. But you reacted in a very positive and uplifting way. You should take pride in the fact that you didn’t use the terms “oversensitive” to those that didn’t appreciate the joke. And I’m glad you didn’t apologize for your joke. Good job at being awesome.
Russ
March 24, 2011 @ 10:50 am
Your post today reminds me of people who I’ve chatted with on FaceBook. I’ve cracked wise about the exact same thing (although I must say the issue wasn’t cartoons) and had people I’ve known for years try to sweep my legs out from under me. I think they wound up defriending me so they wouldn’t see my posts in their newsfeed.
Keep posting. I know where to turn it off. 😀
liz
March 24, 2011 @ 5:42 pm
the thing is when you are an average joe, you can say whatever you want and have a ‘this is a free country, and who gives a hoot’ kind of attitude. But when you are any kind of public icon anything you say can be taken as some kind of political statement and can have unforeseen consequences. It shows real strength of character to stand up and say ‘hey, I meant this as a joke, but I see I hurt some of you, and for that I’m sorry’ like you did.
I’m not famous. I’m just part of the faceless masses who occasionally give their opinion 😉 .
Jer
March 24, 2011 @ 7:14 pm
This might be the best worded response I’ve seen to this situation. Thank you!
I saw this coming, I even commented when I saw the post that you had trod on a sacred cow…but I really have never seen a response that allowed for both ends of my feelings on the matter: I don’t care if I offend someone with my sense of humor in the slightest, but I do care if I cause injury—even if it is “only” emotional. At the same time, I recognize that virtually anything I say that is “funny” is going to be so at the expense of someone (such is the nature of humor), so while I’m sorry for the injury, I’m not sorry for the joke in general.
This responds so well, I almost want to point folks to it whenever I trigger or hurt and say “what he said, this is what I feel about that”…but it seems a cop-out 🙂
Anita K.
March 24, 2011 @ 9:49 pm
Exactly. I was trying to think how to express this, but you did a better job than I was doing this morning. 🙂
Joe Iriarte
March 25, 2011 @ 12:13 am
I stumbled across the exchange last night while looking for a link matociquala had posted (panlexicon, if you’re curious). Your name sounds familiar, but I don’t know if I’ve read anything by you before.
For what it’s worth, this particular adult survivor was amused.
I don’t think you can avoid every possible trigger that everybody who follows you might have. Sometimes avoiding triggers isn’t even desirable (or I’d never go to a doctor again).
The best you can do is be sensitive when you find out you have triggered someone, and you certainly were that. (And being sensitive doesn’t necessarily mean apologizing or retracting.)
Note that “Did my joke make people run out and abuse their kids?” is not one of the questions. That’s not what anyone was saying, and me framing it like that would be a pretty obnoxious strawman.
And this is why this was *not* your “Penny Arcade” moment–because if it were that’s precisely what you would have done. (And I say that as someone who did not find dickwolves particularly triggery.)
adrian
April 29, 2011 @ 4:29 pm
I felt that I did have to speak up in response to the first commenter, who said “Intent is huge in something like this.”
Without presuming that I know what he intended to say, or anything about him at all, I just want to note that privileged people often overestimate the exculpatory power of benign intent.
Benign intent has very little power to make things better— though malignant intent can always make a painful situation worse.
“I didn’t mean any harm” doesn’t mend broken bones, or negate the effect of casually-spoken triggers.
I do think that Jim’s joke was comparatively mild, but still problematic. If anything, it’s a reminder that we can all put our foot in our mouths, and that we should refrain from demonising people that do so.