Gray Rape
Two things led to this particular post. The first was a guest essay on Jeff Vandermeer’s blog by Jaymee Goh, about Enthusiastic Consent. The second was an article published in Cosmopolitan a while back about “Gray Rape.”
I don’t like the phrase gray rape, and the Cosmo article pisses me off from page one with “gray areas” like:
“No. Stop,” she said softly — too softly, she later told herself. When he ignored her and entered her anyway, she tensed up and tried to go numb until it was over … “It fell into a gray area,” she said recently. “Maybe I wasn’t forceful enough in saying I didn’t want it.”
and:
When [Laura] was a sophomore, she met a fellow student at a frat party. They drank, they flirted, and then he invited her to his apartment. There, they kissed for a while, and things got more heated until Laura realized that he was taking off her underwear and entering her. She was drunk, but she says she was aware enough to say no. When he ignored her, she froze — a common response, much like Alicia’s — and he continued to have sex with her.
There’s no gray here. This is rape. It does illustrate a common reaction to being raped, however, which is to blame yourself, and to question what you could have done differently. It’s a reaction our culture is all too happy to encourage, emphasising the victim’s supposed responsibility for someone else’s choice to rape her (or him).
What about those situations where the victim didn’t clearly say no? This used to come up a lot, along with false accusations, when I spoke to men about rape. Is there a difference between rape and a misunderstanding?
Take the Kobe Bryant case back in 2003. After the alleged victim dropped the criminal case, Bryant was quoted as saying:
Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did…
If one person believes an encounter is consensual and the other doesn’t, you have a problem. Consent has to come from both parties. If it’s one-sided, it’s not consent; it’s rape.
But if you didn’t intend to rape someone, and you believed they were okay with it, then it’s not your fault, right? Just like if you didn’t intend to run someone over with your car, then they won’t really end up in the hospital with internal bleeding.
Wait, the voices say. Isn’t it her responsibility to say no and make it clear she’s not interested? Is it fair to blame the guy if someone’s sending mixed signals?
This seems like a duh moment to me, but the phrase “mixed signals” means the signals are mixed. There’s no clear message as to what the person wants … meaning you have to find out. With as much miscommunication as you get in most relationships, don’t you think it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page?
When working with rape survivors, I talked to a number of people who had frozen when they realized what was happening. Sometimes these were people who had been raped before. Freezing is a survival response to a threat. It does not equal consent.
So to everyone worrying about “misunderstandings,” you’ve got a choice. You can choose to make sure your partner enthusiastically consents to what you’re doing, or you can choose not to. Why wouldn’t you make sure? I can think of only two reasons.
- You’re uncomfortable talking about it. If that’s the case — if you’re not comfortable talking about what you’re doing — then maybe you shouldn’t be doing it?
- You’re worried they’ll say no. Meaning you’re not sure they want this, and you’d rather risk committing rape than risk asking and being told no.
Discussion welcome, as always.
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Jess
August 2, 2010 @ 10:50 am
I couldn’t even read past the first page of the Cosmo article. How could that be anything but rape? I’m fine with the victim thinking otherwise, it’s a defense mechanism, but for any outside observer to agree? Ugh.
Jim C. Hines
August 2, 2010 @ 10:53 am
I can understand how and why a victim might react that way, and I know it’s a normal response. But yeah, for Cosmo to report it in the way it did, presenting those as gray or ambiguous in any way, is just horribly irresponsible.
Anita K.
August 2, 2010 @ 1:17 pm
I don’t think any of those examples are what I would think of as “Gray Rape” (which is in fact a terrible name for it, not in the least becasue I keep reading it as Gay Rape). They all seem pretty clear to me; I can’t imagine NOT thinking those are absolutely rape. I think there are some less clear examples, but not there.
I don’t think the entire problem is that men don’t try for Enthusiastic Consent (or better yet, Enthusiastic Participation); I think that many women don’t know how to give Enthusiastic Consent or Participation. Coming from a very conservative religious background, I know that there were girls in my junior high and high school youth groups and conservative Christian college who said that they wanted to be raped because “good Christian girls” weren’t allowed to want sex but they wanted to know what it was like. Even more common were girls who really did act out the stereotype and would say no but not mean it so that if they got found out for having sex, they didn’t have to take any responsibility. (I have literally heard girls actually saying that if their boyfriend pressured them for sex, they would say no but hope he ignored them and went ahead anyway, or that they had done this to guys in the past.) This does not make it acceptable for guys to force themselves upon these girls, but there is absolutely a culture among conservatively raised women such that they often don’t know how to say yes even when they’re married; they think that if the guy “takes total control” that is appropriate and shows his love, and that if the woman is a good woman she will not seek or pursue sex (again, even within the marriage this cultural baggage can stick around).
Jim C. Hines
August 2, 2010 @ 3:27 pm
This reminds me of something that comes up in discussions of rape fantasies: specifically, that it’s a fantasy. It’s one thing to fantasize about rape, where as the one having the fantasy, you’re in control. Most of the time, as I understand it, rape fantasies also don’t come anywhere near the violence and horror of actual rape. But even if the fantasy is there, that doesn’t mean the person actually wants to be raped, if that makes sense? The fantasy vs. the reality are two very different things.
Personally, I think society would be in a much better position if everyone, male and female, were able to talk about sex. By stifling discussion and making it “dirty” and all that, we’re creating a lot of problems, including situations like the ones you describe.
D. Moonfire
August 3, 2010 @ 8:50 am
I remember an article some years back talking about how people are actually very bad at reading body language. In specific, men think women are a lot more interested in them then they actually are. Of course, that leads into the area of one person thinking consent (because of misread behavior) and another not.
Of course, there are many ways of handling it. One train of thought says you need consent for everything (“May I kiss you?” “May I touch you on the arm?” “May I touch you on the…” you get the idea). It becomes tedious and really kills any mood that might just be a flickering flame. Also, you have the “women must initiate everything” approach which doesn’t really work well because cultural pressures push the men to do the leading (okay, that’s eroding but I think still prevalent). We also have passive aggressive and mind games on all parts where people try to be coy, seductive, willing without looking desperate. Like negotiation for a pay raise, because no one knows what both sides are thinking, they feel around and end up misreading intent.
I’ve been in a few encounters where “no” was really just another step in the foreplay process. That being coy and resisting is suppose to be better. Of course, I honored the “no” and it went sour after that. I found out later, I was suppose to treat that as “try again now” but didn’t. Though, I’m not upset that we never talk again, I don’t like mind games and I don’t like dishonesty. One reason I’m perfectly happy being obvious.
(I’ve also had a few where I didn’t say “no” loud enough myself.)
I’m in favor of being very blunt and open about things. Of course, that only really works if everyone involved is blunt and open, otherwise it simply doesn’t work. And that requires the culture to be comfortable with being blunt and open when it hasn’t in the past. Communication is a great way of handling that.
Well, and teaching children its okay to be up front with “no”. And be willing to stand by it and defend it. One reason I happily sent my wife to get her black belt, so she can say no in the so called “gray rape” of that article. I plan on teaching my children how to say no politely, then not politely if needed. And to stand by “no” instead of making it a “mostly no” that these articles seem to imply is acceptable.
Trying to call it gray to soften the impact of the rape doesn’t really help anyone. Part of it is social engineering, to set the boundaries and make the claim it is a gray area and therefore *might* be okay. Not in those examples, it wouldn’t be. On the other hand, there are also certain types of rape that require consent which I think also muddy the waters. Rape is a very clear thing. It should be treated as such and made into a specific line, not encourage it to be a large ‘gray’ area.
Anita K.
August 3, 2010 @ 9:22 am
Yes, I think you are exactly right about “rape” fantasies; they are actually appealing for most people because at the heart of them they are kind of a consensual way to give up control. I just firmly believe that the only safe & sane way to explore those fantasies is to be in some form of committed relationship with someone entirely trustworthy, and to discuss & disclose thoroughly beforehand and make some agreements about what is and isn’t okay, and to have a safeword. I think that this sort of equates to Enthusiastic Consent/Participation before the fact, and by not using the safeword, during as well. But I think there are a lot of people, particularly females, out there who want the loss of “control” but don’t know how or can’t feel comfortable with the rest of it. I just wish that it were more acceptable to talk about sex for everyone, because I think it would make it a whole lot easier/safer/healtier for absolutely everyone if those pernicious myths (force=love, girls are just playing hard-to-get, etc.) could be quashed permanently.
Jim C. Hines
August 3, 2010 @ 9:25 am
I agree with you on a lot of this, particularly the problematic use of “gray rape” to describe it. I was torn about even using that as the title for the post, because so much of what people try to claim is gray or confusing really isn’t.
“I found out later, I was suppose to treat that as “try again now” but didn’t. Though, I’m not upset that we never talk again…”
You know, I think I’d have much the same reaction. I’m just not interested in playing that kind of game, and I’d much rather be sure everyone involved is on the same page.
Learning that it’s okay to say no and to mean it is a good thing, as is learning to communicate. On the LJ mirror of this post, there was also some discussion on how to make sure both people are on the same page. I don’t think there’s one particular technique that is always the right one. There are a lot of ways to communicate, and as long as you find a way that’s absolutely clear to everyone involved, then that’s a good thing.
As I said on LJ, I find the “Enthusiastic yes” technique to be both clear and a bit of a turn-on 🙂
Anita K.
August 3, 2010 @ 9:27 am
It seems to me that you handled those situations exactly right. Really, I think that “no really means try again/please seduce me!” foreplay is only safe & sane when there is a safeword or signal known to both parties, so that both parties know when “no means try again” and when “no means NO.” Otherwise it is always better to err on the side of “no means NO” if only to avoid the problems you mentioned in your first paragraph!
D. Moonfire
August 3, 2010 @ 10:03 am
One thing I learned at the sexual harassment workshop at a festival was “common sense” doesn’t exist. You have to state what is “common” and make sure everyone knows what it is. I see the learning to communicate about sexuality in the same way.
Now, “enthusiastic yes” is always the best way. 🙂 Though, I do refuse even enthusiastic yes when there is alcohol involved. I want sober enthusiastic yes.
Jim C. Hines
August 3, 2010 @ 10:12 am
“I want sober enthusiastic yes.”
A very good point!
Bridgitt
August 3, 2010 @ 12:01 pm
This post really hit me in the gut and sort of made me sick at my stomach. It brought flooding back an issue I thought was long since dealt with…marital rape. I spent YEARS in therapy learning that rape is rape is rape, whether in the marriage bed or otherwise. And yes, alcohol was always involved. Gray Rape…what a horrible, ugly term.
Jim C. Hines
August 3, 2010 @ 2:21 pm
It’s a lousy term, one that minimizes what a lot of people have experienced.
I wish we did a better job of teaching people — men and women — that marriage does not mean someone has the right to their partner’s body, and that you always have the right to say no, even to your spouse. It took so long just to get marital rape laws onto the books.
It sounds like you were able to find a good therapist who helped you to work through what happened? Not that it ever gets “fixed” or goes away … more learning how to survive it, I guess.
Bridgitt
August 3, 2010 @ 2:43 pm
I did find a good therapist; she was amazing. Suffice it to say I’m no longer married to him (LONG story). I think that learning to survive something like that is more accurate than it being “fixed”. My reaction to this blog is evidence of that. There are, however, meditation techniques I refuse to pursue for fear of poking at that scar.
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