Another Day, Another Mansplainer
A friend of mine posted something about catcalling and street harassment. To the absolute shock of … well, pretty much nobody, the very first comment on her post was a guy explaining why women shouldn’t be afraid of catcalling, and isn’t it funny how the women complaining aren’t the ones experiencing the “privilege” of being catcalled in the first place? Also, women wouldn’t be afraid if they carried guns, and the real threat are guys “in a dark van with no windows parked next to your car in the Walmart parking lot.”
His suggestion? “Now what would happen if a woman who’s the center of the cat call took the power back, walked up to the offending rake and asked for his number and told him to show a little respect and maybe if he was lucky she’d let him earn the opportunity to do some real cat calling?”
This is the point where I facepalmed so hard I gave myself a concussion.
Guys, is it really that hard to shut the hell up and listen instead of immediately trying to tell women why they’re wrong about their own lives and experiences?
It’s pathetically predictable.
- Woman complains about harassment.
- Dudebro feels uncomfortable.
- Dudebro tells woman why she’s wrong to feel that way.
Because Dudebro’s discomfort at women complaining about harassment is somehow more important and valid than women’s discomfort about actually being harassed.
The CDC put out a report this year about sexual violence, after completing more than 12,000 interviews. They found that one in five women have been raped in their lifetimes, and 99% of those rapes were committed by men. (The report states that about two percent of men were raped as well, which I strongly suspect is an underestimate. They also found that approximately 80% of those rapes were also committed by men.)
“But I’m not like those other men,” says Dudebro, waving the “Not All Men” flag with righteous pride.
Then stop acting like them.
- When a woman says she’s uncomfortable with something and wants you to knock it off, stop arguing. Stop telling her she’s wrong, and stop making excuses to keep doing it.
- Stop pretending it’s about complimenting women. (Here’s a tip: Compliments don’t go from, “Hey baby” to “Fuck you, you stuck-up bitch” in the blink of an eye.)
- Stop treating women as objects you’re entitled to instead of people.
You seriously want women to believe you’re not an asshole and a potential threat? Start by shutting up for a minute and actually listening to what women are saying.
Sally
October 3, 2014 @ 7:43 pm
I’m in my 50’s and I don’t miss it a bit. It’s one of the perks of getting older.
Sally
October 3, 2014 @ 9:17 pm
Check out Jessica Williams’ report on the Daily Show Thursday 10/2.
I want to make dudebro mansplainers watch it. Clockwork Orange style, if need be.
Lenora Rose
October 4, 2014 @ 12:06 am
I was thinking about something related to this today. As I was walking home from dropping my son at his nursery school, I saw a man waiting for a car outside the architecture firm. My God he was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. A while later, a cyclist passed me with, let’s just say, a nice physique.
On my way home, I smiled at, or nodded to, about 5-6 people on the street, about 4 of which were men. Just being polite, no expectation even of a return smile or nod. A great many others I passed by because they were in their own world and never looked up.
NONE OF THEM WAS THE MAN WHOM I FOUND ATTRACTIVE. Neither of those men has the least idea they were *noticed*. Because the one was obviously watching the street, presumably for a car, and the other was thinking about mud and bad biking conditions. They were busy, they were distracted, they wouldn’t have time even for a polite hello. I didn’t even ogle; I peeked for the duration of time intuitively considered polite in this area, which isn’t long at all, then glanced away, lest I be considered rude for staring. They owed me nothing for being pretty. had they been less busy with their own lives, had they looked up, I might have smiled, even said “Good morning”. Then moved on, just the same as I was doing anyhow.
THIS IS REALLY EASY MATH, DUDEBROS. MEN CAN DO THIS TO WOMEN, TOO.
Weekend link dump for October 5 – Off the Kuff
October 5, 2014 @ 3:05 pm
[…] is the point where I facepalmed so hard I gave myself a […]
KatG
October 5, 2014 @ 6:14 pm
Yeah, catcalling has nothing to do with sex. It’s a game with the object to make women unsettled, scared and threatened, and then be able to brag about it to other men as a status coup. Older women get catcalled and sexually harassed on the street, etc. But young women and teens are often targeted because they will be the most scared, having less experience. Nine times out of ten, the woman will respond with defensive and/or angry behavior. That’s a win for the catcaller, as the woman is scared and acknowledging his power over the public space. He then can escalate to get a further scared response with more catcalls, stalking, forcible touching and even violence. The tenth woman will try polite, placating strategies which is also the win as they are scared, and further threat can be made along the same lines.
When you ask catcallers why they do it, they claim they are giving compliments, wanting romance or being friendly. (And never mind the catcalls telling women they’re ugly.) That’s part of the game too, because they know that the society itself views women as sexual objects who are public property. When out in public, women are not supposed to challenge men of their ownership of the public space, upset men, resist men’s attempts to speak to or touch them, control them, etc. If they follow that directive, though, it’s still their fault men catcall and street harass them because they are women and they are there to be objects of men.
So when Jim is talking about this issue, the catcallers and the social systemic prejudice towards women that backs up their game, men rush forth to defend the practice whether or not they do it on the grounds that it’s about sexual desire and women are too sensitive. And that comes out of the social cultural training we all get that women are objects subject to men’s demands and that it is a woman’s problem they must endure or they should just be quiet about it and not challenge men’s ability to do whatever they want.
If they do challenge it, if they keep talking about the catcallers and how it is about fear, then women may eventually win more equality in the society not to be seen as objects. And that worries a lot of men who don’t do catcalling and don’t want to scare women, but do want to make sure that women can’t object to whatever they may do that they feel is okay. They don’t want women to be harassed; they just don’t want women to have equal agency regarding men. Because they’ve been trained by society to consider it a problem and a danger if women do. So we get a lot of not all men, and there’s nothing I can do about the behavior of other guys, and I don’t want some women thinking I’m harassing her when I’m not because she’s oversensitive, all of which is way more important than the topic of catcalling and society’s support of and indifference to catcalling. Which is a way to deflect and diffuse the topic altogether, so that it can be safely ignored or at least held at arm’s length.
Which works great for guys until it’s your mom or partner or sister or daughter. And until they get sexually assaulted and/or beat up by a guy on the street, or start suffering traumatic stress from the constant harassment. The conversation about catcalling and street harassment isn’t going to stop. So if it causes you distress, aim the distress at the catcallers. They are the ones causing it because they think it’s fun and their right, and society agrees that it is.
Erin
October 6, 2014 @ 5:30 pm
Well that’s because there’s a sign hovering above every man’s head that tells us whether he’s a rapist, or is just being friendly. Aren’t you paying attention to the sign?!
Erin
October 6, 2014 @ 5:46 pm
I did as well, and now that I’m closer to middle age, I don’t get it much. Yeah, I don’t miss being told to smile by random dudes when I walk down the street, feeling their eyes on my ass once I’ve passed. I don’t miss that skin crawling, creepy feeling as I approach a construction site or several men on a corner, and wonder which name I’ll get called when I don’t smile and hand out my phone number to the ones making kissy noises, telling me to sit on their face, hey mama, come here and give me a kiss, show me your tits, why you ignoring me, you’re ugly anyway, you bitch. I don’t miss being 14 and having to put on my angry face and headphones on the bus and stick my nose in a book and put my stuff on the seat next to me so some creep doesn’t sit down too close and put his hand on my thigh. I don’t miss being 16 and walking down the street and seeing a man walk out of an alcove with his hands in his pants, masturbating at me. I don’t miss the fear that if I do anything besides pretend I didn’t hear it that it will escalate from “Stuck up bitch!” to following me, getting violent. Nope. I enjoy being old and invisible!
Ginny Ickle
October 7, 2014 @ 10:11 am
Well said! And, yes, sadly, all too true.
Ginny Ickle
October 7, 2014 @ 10:13 am
Choosing to be silent is one way to *be* part of the problem.
Ginny Ickle
October 7, 2014 @ 10:14 am
Hello, Mr Mansplainer. Saddned and disappointed to meet you.
Erin
October 7, 2014 @ 12:27 pm
@JJ. YES. This precisely.
Tumbling Mansplainers Gird Fantasy Hippo Loins - MARIAN ALLEN, AUTHOR LADY
October 10, 2014 @ 6:44 am
[…] If you don’t already follow Jim C. Hines’ blog, you’re welcome. I especially like this post about mansplaining. […]
gw
October 11, 2014 @ 10:26 pm
Far too many of them. I got it at that age, too.
Top Blog Posts of 2014
December 29, 2014 @ 7:53 am
[…] Another Day, Another Mansplainer. […]