Rape in Fandom
Earlier this week, [link removed at her request] shared a letter to her rapist in order to warn others in fandom about this individual.
A number of people have responded to express their support. To say “I’ve got your back,” and that those who would commit rape are not welcome in this community. To which I can add only, “Hell, yes.” So often we as a society ignore rape. We make excuses. We pretend not to notice, and by doing so, we allow it to continue.
I’m bracing myself for the backlash. For the indignant bloggers to ask why the Internet is dogpiling this poor man without giving him the chance to defend himself. For the guys to rally behind the flag of False Accusations. For the victim blamers to ask what she did to enable this, or why she didn’t press charges. For the men to point out how terrible it is to be accused of rape, and the horrible damage it can do to a man’s reputation. And for all of the other excuses why publicly confronting rape and rapists is a scary, dangerous, bad idea. I’ve already seen it in a few comments.
To all of these people, please just shut up. Instead of immediately working to silence someone who found the courage to speak out, how about you take a turn being silenced for once. Maybe even try listening.
I’m not saying false accusations don’t happen — they do, albeit rarely. I’m not saying there’s never a time to talk about criminal prosecution of rape and why people might choose not to endure the ugliness of a rape trial. I’m saying this is not the time.
People don’t choose to be raped. People choose to commit rape. If you make that choice, I don’t want you in my community.
You know what? The same goes for those who choose to grope their way through conventions. The ones who believe a costume that shows off a woman’s body is an invitation to sexually harass her. The ones who think drunk/unconscious is an acceptable substitute for consent. If those are your choices, I don’t want you around.
Can you imagine what would happen if, every time someone raped, assaulted, or harassed another person, the rest of us actually spoke out? If we as a community let them know — clearly and loudly — that this would not be tolerated? If we told those who had been assaulted that we would listen, and we would support them?
Comments are open, and discussion is welcome as always. However, please consider this fair warning that I’m going to be quicker to freeze and delete comments that I feel cross the line.
ZombieJoe
February 26, 2010 @ 10:28 am
I have nothing to add here except a resounding “Hell Yeah!” I agree on the speaking up and (although I had not read the linked post) I find it disturbing that people would tell someone who did find the courage to speak up in any way to “shut up” or stop. It also shows a strength of character to say, “I don’t want you in my community.” Makes being in it more of an honor.
Jim C. Hines
February 26, 2010 @ 10:32 am
Most of the time, what I’ve seen isn’t people saying “shut up” so much as undermining what she’s saying. They point out that he’s a nice guy, or they ask why she isn’t pressing charges if that’s what really happened (implying that she’s lying), or they talk about how it’s probably just a misunderstanding … all of which basically minimizes and invalidates what the person is saying.
Though I’ve also worked with people who tried to press charges, only to have the cop flat-out call them a liar to their face.
Jim C. Hines
February 26, 2010 @ 10:32 am
I should add that not all cops are like that, and I’ve worked with some who were very aware of rape issues and good at working with survivors. But it only takes a few in that position of authority do do a great deal of damage.
Lynn Flewelling
February 26, 2010 @ 12:21 pm
I was at Swancon a few years ago and I think I may know who that guy is (If she’s using his real name). If he’s the one I remember, his behavior was very strange and inappropriate. At cons lots of people may be a little strange, but inappropriate needs to be clamped down on, fast. Unwanted touching should be grounds for kicking their a** out.
Over the past ten years I’ve seen cons in the US begin to publish public safety rules, an acknowledgement, finally, that as much as we’d like to think that a con is one big happy family, a tribe, a floating party, danger can lurk there, especially for kids. As a mom, when I see young girls, or boys, running around unattended it makes me really nervous. No one “asks” to be molested, but predators take every advantage presented. Youngsters should be on a buddy system with a friend or parent at cons. Required. The girl who wrote that post sounds young, counting on her dad to keep her safe once she left the con. It’s too bad she was alone while she was at it.
*Nothing* that happened was her fault, but it didn’t have to happen. The con people should have identified that creep and banned him before something like that happened. She should have had a buddy. But she didn’t, and the predators aren’t always obvious. Speaking up after the fact is the next best thing, but what a hard thing to have to do. That young woman is very brave.
Jim C. Hines
February 26, 2010 @ 1:41 pm
I’ve seen that same thing, with more conventions starting to publish explicit rules about sexual boundaries. This is a good thing, but what I *really* want to see is conventions starting to enforce those rules. It’s possible they already are, and it’s just being done quietly, I don’t know. I guess I just want to see us moving beyond talking the talk, if that makes sense?
Chris
February 26, 2010 @ 6:16 pm
I completely agree Jim. A very close friend of mine underwent a similar incident (albeit she managed to have him recieve jail time – also, he only recently was released, which is another matter completely). It’s never an easy circumstance, and having come, personally, from a perspective where I at first asked myself “Well, she was young, perhaps she has things mixed up?” then I am able to understand the difficulties involved in the mere ‘speaking out.’ Kudos and props and every other similar slogan to her for having the courage to speak out. And to argue those who would say “O, well, he’s a nice guy…” or any other arguing fallacy I have but one thing to say: “Wasn’t John Gacy always referred to as such a ‘nice guy’?” Just my two cents, which I had previously been saving to place over my eyes.
Jim C. Hines
February 26, 2010 @ 8:07 pm
It really hit home for me when I sat in on a batterer’s group. These were individuals who had been convicted and ordered by the court to attend treatment after beating their wives. The guy to my right was talking, and I found myself thinking how nice he seemed. Friendly, funny, and charming.
Things would be so much simpler if the bad guys were all creepy-looking, moustache-twirling villains. Instead, a lot of rapists and abusers very deliberately present themselves as nice and charming.
D.
February 27, 2010 @ 1:29 pm
English is not my mother langage so I apologize if there are mistakes in this answer.
“Instead of immediately working to silence someone who found the courage to speak out, how about you take a turn being silenced for once. Maybe even try listening.”
This. As someone who was raped and silenced, I always feel like I can’t speak out against it, that I can’t say a word because it will swallow me whole if I do. It’s just too hard, and even thinking about the consequences of telling is enough to make me shake. I think of it as “admitting”, like I would share a terrible thing I’ve done.
This woman was brave enough to tell the world what happened, publicly, and I don’t think people understand how hard it is, to just say it. Just the word “rape”.
Of course, the point is not making us fragile and weak victims (men or women, I mean), but just the fact that it can be talked about give me hope. I believe it’s not the first time you talk about rape, and although some people make me cringe when they talk about the subject, you always succeed in saying the right things.
Thank you. You will never know how much it means to me (and no doubt other peeople), but it means a lot.
Jim C. Hines
February 27, 2010 @ 5:02 pm
D,
For what it’s worth, your English is great.
From everything I’ve seen, it’s never easy to talk about being raped, especially the first time. Sometimes you’re just not ready to think about it or relive it, and that’s okay. Sometimes you’re afraid of what people will think, and unfortunately, that can be a valid fear. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or fragile.
It’s normal to feel that way. Just like it’s normal to feel guilty and ashamed. But feeling that way doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It’s not.
I did a little digging and found an international listing of rape crisis centers at http://umabroad.umn.edu/healthsafety/advocacyCenters.pdf I don’t know if this would be helpful or not, but sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone when it’s anonymous and confidential. And if that’s not something you want, that’s okay.
I’m getting long-winded here, so I’ll end with one final thought. Even saying you were raped in an anonymous blog comment takes strength and courage.